Movie Review: Hatchet

When a group of tourists on a New Orleans haunted swamp tour find themselves stranded, their evening of fun and spooks turns into a horrific nightmare as the legend of a deformed killer haunting the swamps becomes all too real.

The tagline for this film says "Old school American Horror", and there's not a much better quick description I could come up with. It's old school alright, paying much homage to all the fun 70s/80s horror films like Friday the 13th and Halloween.

Our big creepy unstoppable villian, Victor Crowley, has all sorts of tricks that were so common in those films, like popping up out of nowhere and always seeming to know where the potential victims would be next. Then he proceeds to find creative ways to dispose of them one by one. The special effects on the kills are so over the top it was more fun than gore really. The whole movie really is so over the top that it's more fun than frightful.

The negatives? As far as the cinematography and all goes, I thought it was a bit too murky at times and hard to tell what was going on.

All in all, it's a purposely cliched cast of characters and plot yet it doesn't take itself the least bit seriously and in fact is more of a ode to the old movies from which it was spawned. There are a lot of nods and winks and it's pretty smartly crafted so I think some people might not get it, but I think a lot of horror fans will and if so it's a whole lot of fun to watch. It's hit and miss I think when movie tries to be "intentionally bad", and this one does an OK job of it. Repeated viewings will probably be much more fun even.

7/10

Movie Review: 3:10 To Yuma

Set in the old west, a small-time rancher (Christian Bale) agrees to deliver a captured outlaw (Russell Crowe) to a departing train to go to court in Yuma. A battle of wills ensues as the outlaw tries to psych out the rancher, as the outlaw's gang tries to catch up and free him. Based on the Elmore Leonard story and a remake of the 1957 film of the same name.

I love a good old-fashioned western, and that's precisely what this is. I also really like Russell Crowe and Christian Bale both so going into this I knew I was gonna have some fun. It didn't disappoint for my money, with a lot of action and gun play as well as a solid story to go with it. Very well acted and well shot and at the times the scenery can almost become distracting it's so gorgeous. The sets and wardrobes are so fantastic that you can almost feel the dust and see tumbleweeds blowing through the theater.

The only real negatives I think are the illogical ending and also the fact that most of these so-called cowboys can't seem to hit the broad side of a barn from point blank range.

Still, one of the best westerns films since Unforgiven I think.

8.5/10

Hump Day Humor

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Movie Review: Reeker

5 college kids on their way to a rave are trapped at an eerie travel oasis in a deserted town in the desert and must unravel the mystery behind their visions of dying people while they are preyed upon by a decaying creature.

An interesting horror film, I found myself thinking that everything wasn't fitting together and it just didn't make sense, but a nice twist at the end turned on the light bulb and made it a pretty watchable film. I won't ruin the fun with spoilers, so check it out for yourself. It did remind me a whole lot of another horror film I've seen, but to say which one would also ruin the fun.

The film is pretty cliched all the way through, with one dimensional characters behaving in irrational ways like most of these slasher type flicks. The cast is pretty decent though really as I found most of the characters likeable. Smokin' hot Arielle Kebbel (John Tucker Must Die, The Grudge 2) provides some eye-candy and veteran actor Michael Ironside gives the performances a bit of weight I thought. The killer (aka the Reeker character) was really odd and I guess sort of original really. There's enough for the gore lovers to like and it's pretty well shot.

It's not gonna win any Oscars, but it's a good time-killer for horror fans. You could do much worse.

5.5/10

Great Weekend

See, I told you that you could benefit from going against my UFC picks. Jardine upsets Chuck and Forrest gets a HUGE win? Who saw that coming? In my defense, I only missed 3 fights on the whole card though, just 2 of the top 3. I still haven't watched them yet either, hopefully this week I'll get to. So has The Iceman passed the torch to The Dean of Mean? So much for Chuck's huge payday fight against Wanderlei Silva after 2 straight losses? Is he the rabbit or the headlight? (bonus points for whoever tells me where that quote is from)

How bout dem Steelers! Now 3-0 and they've outscored opponents by a combined 97-26 with their 37-16 win over the Niners yesterday. Fast Willie Parker has 368 yards rushing already (leading the league) after just 3 games and Big Ben's QB rating is 102.9 so far. Things looking good in Steeltown (I am knocking on wood as I type).

Had a great time in Memphis on Saturday, even though I felt like an old man all day yesterday between my head ringing from the concert and the rest of me ringing from drinking a bit more beer than usual (and of course a Diver Down from Silky O'Sullivan's for some reason). The bands were both great. Poets & Pornstars opened and is a solid straight-up rock band out of LA that doesn't bring much new to the table, but really feels sort of like they just stepped out of the 80s and the Guns N Roses school of rock. Very catchy songs with a lot of energy. I'd go see them again in a second. Tesla was fantastic as well, playing plenty of songs we knew a hundred times over and still bringing it like they were in an arena of 15,000 fans instead of a sweaty, beer soaked 500 seater on Beale Street. They still sound great and look good, with a few years and lots of miles added. All-in-all a helluva fun day of beer drinking, football watching and rockin' like it was 20 years ago. Here's a pic I got on my cell phone with the sexy Sally Hope, the bassist for Poets & Pornstars, who was very cool:

Sort of an exciting time to be a horror fan I guess. With the successful run of Rob Zombie's Halloween at the box office (nearly $55 mil now) after a year with mostly flops in the horror field, Resident Evil did big numbers for this time of the year and several high profile horror movies are on tap for the Halloween month of October. Here's this weekend's estimates:

1 Resident Evil: Extinction - $24,000,000
2 Good Luck Chuck - $14,000,000
3 The Brave One - $7,425,000 ($25,115,000 overall)
4 3:10 to Yuma - $6,350,000 ($37,911,000)
5 Eastern Promises - $5,747,000 ($6,549,000)
6 Sydney White - $5,323,000

Movie Review: Resident Evil:Extinction

In the 3rd installment of the Resident Evil series, survivors of the Raccoon City catastrophe travel across the Nevada desert hoping to make it to safety in Alaska. Their chances are improved when Alice (Milla Jovovich) joins the caravan and their fight against the Umbrella Corporation.

There's a bit of The Road Warrior to this film, and a bit of Hitchcock's The Birds, and of course a lot of the first 2 Resident Evil movies... add it all up and it's a pretty good action/horror flick with some impressive sequences full of slicing and dicing with the super sexy Jovovich in charge. Lots of zombie butt-kicing, a pretty cool new monster and some jacked-up crows keep the pace going pretty well, but it still hits a few dull spots.

Face it, you know what you're getting with these films and this one delivers more of the same, but does so better than the last film (but not as good as the first). You want character development? Wrong series. This is about zombie smashing. Still though, nothing really fresh is brought to the series and it almost feels like a bit of a rehash after a bit. Alice's telekinesis is pretty cool though.

I liked it, didn't love it, and I think another part of that is the ending just didn't feel like an ending. I thought this was the end of the series?

It also could have used a naked pillow fight between Ali Larter and Jovovich, but what movie couldn't? Those 2 can kill my zombie anyday! Wait, what does that even mean?

6/10

All's Well In Iraf?

In The Know: White House Announces 'Everything Is Great In Iraf'

Thursday Chuckles

First, check out this compilation video of people getting owned. Some good laughs (and several winces of excruciating pain).

Compliation of Owned Videos

Great compilation of people getting owned in various ways. :)

Get humor videos at NothingToxic

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Tastey Tuesday Tidbits

Wow, I just realized that before the review for The Brave One, it had been 9 whole days since I posted a movie review. 9 days! What the heck is going on? I try to see a "new" film every week really, either a newly released rental that I missed at the theater or make it out to the land of popcorn and people who can't turn off their cellphones. I guess I've been in a movie slump. I have been catching a few older flicks at least, like the ultra-cheesy 976-EVIL the other night on FearNet and also the Arnie classic The Running Man, a movie I've always loved for some reason. How many classic, cheeseball lines did Arnold have in that movie? I dare say NOT ENOUGH! He chokes a guy (with barbed wire for the record) and says "What a pain in the neck." Later he slices a dude up with a chainsaw and when asked about him he deadpans "He had to split." Of course he also drops the nugget "I'll be back!" Gotta love that writer.

So, speaking of FearNet (it's a video on-demand channel on digital cable), you can add it to the list of things I don't know how I lived without before they came along. I vaguely remember the day when I looked through the on-screen guide (or even a TV Guide! Ha ha what the heck is that?!? Paper?!?) to see what time a movie started. Now I've got hundreds of flicks that I can start and stop whenever I want on VOD, and FearNet is all horror. HBO, Showtime, Encore... they all have VOD channels and I put them all to use. Out with linear scheduling. Heck they've even got the local evening news on VOD now.

Enough on that I guess. It's a good day for new releases if you like to spend money. Lots of things I'll buy, rent or illegally download at some point. And by illegally download I mean... err.. well, so here's what's out...

DVD releases:

Death Proof - from Quentin Tarantino... half of the Grindhouse movies that flopped at theaters, extended and unrated
We Are Marshall - inspirational football film based on true story
The Condemned - stars Stone Cold Steve Austin... enough said
Bloodrayne 2 - more blood and swordfighting that the first, with no Meatloaf
Family Guy Volume 5
Blade: House of Chthon - extended version of the TV show pilot

And the CDs:

Eddie Vedder - 'Into the Wild' (solo album... film soundtrack)
Between the Buried and Me - 'Colors'
H.I.M. - 'Venus Doom'
Pat Monahan (Train vocalist) - 'Last of Seven'
Submersed - 'Immortal Verses'
Trapt - 'Live!'
The Black Dahlia Murder - 'Nocturnal'
Thousand Foot Krutch - 'The Flame In All of Us'
Various Artists - 'Resident Evil: Extinction Soundtrack' (w/Shadows Fall, Flyleaf, Throwdown, It Dies Today)
Biffy Clyro - 'Puzzle'
The Donnas - 'Bitchin'

Who the hell are all those people you ask? Go look 'em up already! Do I have to do everything for you people?!?! Try The Google.

Ok, I'll give you one. And that's it. Here's Pat Monahan at a radio appearance:

Movie Review: The Brave One

A New York City woman (Jodie Foster) struggles to recover from a brutal attack by setting out on a mission for revenge.

I predicted this movie to be just like Death Wish just from the previews, and that's pretty much exactly what it is. "Death Wish for the new millenium", with a female lead and more morality questions about vigilantes and capital punishment. Hot topic buttons are pushed with violence and revenge shoved right into the camera. Feminist with a gun anyone? How about just a pissed-off women with a gun?

But it's not really all that bad. Sure, not the least bit original nor does it really make a statement about anything one way or the other by the end, but it is easy to care about the characters and get wrapped up a bit in the story itself. Jodie Foster is, well, Jodie Foster... i.e. fantastic. But does it seem to anyone else that the older she gets, the more she looks like a teenage boy? Maybe it's just me.

On a side note, I kept thinking that Bernie Goetz could probably sue the writer of this film. If you've fogotten, he's the "Subway Vigilante" who shot four young black men who were intent on robbing him on the subway in Manhattan in 1984 and became a symbol of New Yorker's frustrations with a high crime rate. Read all about his story here.

Back to the movie though... although entertaining, I think it tries really hard to make a social statement but never quite does. Very watchable though.

6.5/10

A Simpler, Stone Age Lifestyle?

Should Americans Return To A Simpler, Stone Age Lifestyle?

Thursday Tidbits

Well, under the "shows how little I know" department, I predicted Kenny Chesney would outsell rap loudmouths Kanye West and 50 Cent. However, according to Soundscan, West's "Graduation" sold an estimated 437,000 copies during its first day of release Tuesday, ahead of 310,000 for 50 Cent's "Curtis" and 107,000 for country star Kenny Chesney's "Just Who I Am: Poets and Pirates." That's not even close folks. Kayne might get close to 1 mil this week.

In cool news for the week, rock gods (and dinosaurs) Led Zeppelin announced a one-off comeback concert on Wednesday. They split in 1980 after the death of drummer John Bonham and have performed only a handful of reunion gigs, last taking the stage 12 years ago at their induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The show will be held November 26 in London with John's son Jason behind the drum kit.

More cool news... George Romero's Diary of the Dead premiered Saturday at the Toronto International Film Fest and The Weinstein Co. has purchased the North American theatrical distribution rights (for a cool $2-2.5 million). The film's producers had sold distro responsibilities for Romero's latest to all territories but the States until recently. No word yet on what the Weinsteins' rollout plan is.

Yes, I know my St. Louis Cardinals are finished. A 6 game losing streak during a pennant ract is seldom helpful. They're 0-6 since the Ankiel HGH story broke, for the record.

Lastly today, a band I'll see open for Tesla next Saturday night in Memphis called Poets & Pornstars. Terrible name for a band, but pretty solid straight-up rockin'. Nothing fancy or terribly original... but so what?

Hump Day Humor

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Book Review: Tommyland

Tommyland by Tommy Lee

Synopsis: The life of times of Tommy Lee, as told by Tommy himself (and a few others). Tommy is the drummer for one of the wildest bands of the 80s metal scene, Motley Crue, and was also married to gorgeous TV stars Heather Locklear and Pamela Anderson (as well as a few months to a Playboy playmate).

It's a pretty enjoyable R-rated romp through Tommyland, the strange party world Tommy Lee and his friends inhabit. Tommy's writing style is very simplistic but he tells some pretty good stories about life in a wild rock n roll band and life in front of the celeb cameras. There's a lot of stuff covered here, from his life with Pam to their 2 sons to his mother and father and his solo career. There's even an entire chapter on Jagermeister (the liquor). The book is sort of all over the place, without a real timeline or much structure so it can be a bit confusing. You also get quotes from John Corabi (former Motley bandmate), Pamela Anderson, and at the bottom of far too many pages, explanations from Anthony Bozza (co-writer).

A good part of the book is really stuff any fan of Tommy or the Crue already knoww, as his relationship with Heather is barely discussed at all and most of the stuff from the "Pam years" has been laid out in the press already. But the chapters where he talks about his love for his boys, losing his father, being in jail and talking about the young boy who drowned in his pool during one of his son's birthday parties are very interesting and actually poignant at times.

The book is never boring, but hard core fans will be disappointed at the lack of much new information. Casual fans looking for tales of rock debauchery should be entertained though and I think anyone who has no idea who Tommy is (and isn't easily offended) might enjoy the book most of all.

5/10

Movie Review: The Astronaut Farmer

A NASA astronaut (Billy Bob Thornton), forced to retire years earlier so he could save his family farm, has never give up his dream of space travel and looks to build his own rocket, despite the government's threats to stop him.

I'm so used to seeing Billy Bob in the Bad Santa type roles, I kept waiting for him to start dropping the f-bombs and break out the whiskey. Of course he never does, as this is the more likeable, family-friendly Billy Bob in this "feel good" film. He's fun to watch either way I think.

As sillly and uplausible as the premise is, I still found this to be a pretty good movie. I think it's a good story about chasing your dreams with working hard and it comes across as a good uplifting, inspirational flick. Sure it's been done, and yes this follows the formula of inspirational films, but c'mon an astronaut riding a horse in his space suit? Building a rocket in his barn? Original... yes. Stupid... yes. Fun... yes.

Once again, it's a movie. Suspend your belief and let Billy Bob make you believe in the pursuit of dreams and I think you'll get a kick out of it like me. You might even cheer at the end... just don't think too much.

7.5/10

Some Funnies For Your Thursday

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Movie Review: Superbad

Two foul-mouthed, co-dependent high school senior boys are forced to deal with separation anxiety, due to getting accepted to different colleges, after their plan to stage a booze-soaked party goes awry.

Another film from producer Judd Apatow, who has pretty much single-handidly saved comedy movies this Summer. He's the guy behind Talladega Nights, Knocked Up and The 40 Year-Old Virgin.

The best way I've seen this film described is South Park meets American Pie. That's perfect really. I can give you the entire plot in 2 words... horny teens.

It's got loads of profanity and raunchy talk of human organs mixed with toilet humor and a bit of physical comedy for good measure. The teens spend the entire time either trying to get laid or talking about getting laid all while on the quest to get some alcohol to supply to the other underage teens. Where are the cops you ask? Oh they're in it, but they don't behave exactly as you'd think cops might. I'm sure cops across the country weren't too pleased with Seth Rogan's (Knocked Up) portrayal of a man in blue.

This isn't brain surgery or Gone With The Wind, but it is hilarious (for the not easily offended).

8.5/10

Movie Review: Kickin It Old Skool

A young breakdancer hits his head during a talent show and slips into a coma for twenty years. Waking up in 2006, he looks to revive his career with the help of his friends, while making a play for the same girl he had a crush on before the accident.

Obviously, you can tell from the plot this is gonna be cheesy as it can be. Add Jamie Kennedy to the mix and you know it's got serious blow potential. Well, it didn't let me down at least, because blow it did. By the end, I wished I'd have hit my head and managed to maintain a coma for at least an hour and a half.

I admit, I did get some laughs out of the 80s pop culture references, from the terrible clothes to the break-dancing to the Pop Rocks and Garbage Pail Kids and Mr. Roboto... I can relate to all of those (too well). That part of the film was pretty funny but there was no way it could sustain 90 minutes worth of laughs based on that.

To me, Jamie Kennedy is just a bad actor who isn't all that funny and all his co-stars don't really fare much better at generating the comedy. Jamie seems like he could be funny at skit comedy, not full length movies, because he wears thin really quickly. Most of the jokes are fairly easy to spot coming too. Kids might get some laughs though, in a dopey way.

4/10

Movie Review: Halloween (2007)

A young boy, Michael Myers, has a bad homelife, an abusive father and is a target of the bigger bullies at school. One day Michael snaps, and people pay for what they've done to him. Decades later, now a large man, Michael again snaps and escapes the mental institution he's been rotting in to return to Haddonfield, his hometown, on Halloween night.

Director Rob Zombie takes what I think is an interesting "stab" at remaking a classic by creating a whole new backstory the original never did. It's a large part of the movie here and it's a good 45 minutes into the film before it starts becoming a real remake of the first one. At that point, some scenes really pay tribute to the original and others go their own way, with a twist the original never hinted at.

It's a pretty bleak, dark version that Zombie tells here, with a whole lot of blood and graphic violence and a tone that never really let it's up.

I keep reading in reviews how it doesn't stand up to the original and blah blah blah... but judged on it's own merits I think this is a really solid horror film. Sure, it doesn't stand up the the original, but what does? Not many films at all. I didn't go into this thinking it was competing against it's namesake, I went in comparing it to other recent movies and recent horror films and I think it more than holds it's own.

Critics are going to hate this; it's mean, brutal and ugly. I like that. Pull no punches Rob. It's not a perfect horror movie, but I think it's pretty damn good.

8/10

Great Prank?

You've probably seen this, it's all over the net, but just in case and because I still think it's hilarious... I'll share it again.

Kyle Garchar, a senior at Hilliard Davidson High in Columbus, Ohio, persuaded fans of rival Darby High to hold up placards that would read GO DARBY — only they actually read WE SUCK. He spent 20 hours over 3 days planning the prank. What did he get for his troubles? Suspended. Personally I found it harmless and hilarious. Sure, I'd have been hacked off at first too but I'd have appreciated it after I vented a bit. Then I'd just be mad for not coming up with it first.

He said his inspiration was a similar prank by Yale students against Harvard in 2004.

Seems to me in a time so full of school shootings, metal detectors and drug busts... this was just some good old-fashioned fun.