Movie Review: Lake Dead

Three sisters and a group of their friends take a trip to the hotel of the sister's recently deceased grandfather to learn more about the promise of an inheritance, only to encounter a family of inbred psychos.

It's getting harder to find original horror movie, this I understand, but this movie is just yet another story done literally hundreds of times... and usually much, much better than this. This is probably my least favorite of any of the After Dark Horrorfest films from the last 2 years.

It's the typical "hot, young people meet deformed inbred killers" flick and borrows heavily from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Hills Have Eyes or Wrong Turn to name just a few. The acting is about soap opera level and it feels like no thought at all was put into the plot. I really don't even know why it was called Lake Dead to begin with, because except for 1 scene there is really nothing to do with the lake the entire time.

I don't want to ruin the movie with any spoilers, so stop reading if you really care... but in one of the dumbest things I've seen in a horror film in my lifetime, at one point one of the heroes actually goes to the bad people's house and finds a family tree someone has drawn, explaining what's wrong with the freaks. I'm not kidding. Also present there are incriminating newspaper clippings on the family kept laying around for no good reason. I guess the writer didn't want to waste time with having the hero search microfiche at the local library or checking Google. "Let's just leave it lying on a table at the house!" Also, one of the big beasty dudes is stopped by a chair beating that wouldn't stop your average pro wrestler.

Of course, cell phones can't get a signal the entire movie. That's a given now though right?

All-in-all, it's got some cruelty (rape scene, violent torture) and a bit of gore (although mostly bad looking effects) but it's just so stupid it was hard to enjoy. Well, except maybe for unintentional comedic value I guess. It's sort of like a porn without any porn.

3/10

Book Review: Fires Rising

Fires Rising
by Michael Laimo

Father Pilazzo oversees the renovation of the once abandoned church. He dreams of the flock returning and the ancient church regaining the respect it once had. As the workers tear up the floor, they find a pit underneath inside this man-made excavation is a long forgotten buried wooden crate. The workers excited by their find open the box... none knowing what they have unleashed on humanity.

Yet another of many books on a banished demon being unleashed back upon the earth and an impending "end of days". The typical battle of good vs evil takes place in gory detail but really there's nothing that new or original about this telling, and actually not a whole lot that I found very memorable story-wise.

But it is a face paced read with a lot of action and a fast moving plot filled with vivid storytelling and detailed horror. It's only 262 pages but once the story gets rolling after a small bit (maybe too small) of character development it never lets up, with action on pretty much every page. It's traditional religious horror, but doesn't really force faith on the reader.

I've liked several of Michael Laimo's books as I like the way he tells stories. The only thing really wrong with this one was the overdone subject matter I thought. The way he tells the story is still pretty involving and fun to read. If you want some action and aren't completely sick of the end of days stories, give it a shot.

6/10

Sunday Funnies

Movie Review: Ogre

A vicious Ogre rules over a town that has been stuck in time since the 1850's. Some young hikers stumble across the town and as luck would have it, it's time to feed the Ogre his annual human sacrifice.

Another Sci-Fi Channel movie so I knew what to expect, and you could tell from the effort they put into the title that's about what they'd deliver. Ultimately these monster type films are only as good as the special effects of the monster itself, and the CGI of the Ogre himself is just really bad. When he's on screen he's just not scary, but more more comical as he tries to be menacing. He's wearing a loin cloth for whatever reason and bares a striking resemblance to Shrek, perhaps the offspring of him and the Hulk. He does kill victims off in gruesome ways, but again they use the CGI for the blood effects and it just seems very fake. At one point they shoot the Ogre with a bow (and the most crooked arrows I've ever seen in my life) but the arrows seem to be striking him... yet they just sort of disappear. There are lots of little things like that become annoying after a bit. He's a 10 foot tall, 2,000 lb monster yet somehow he sneaks up on people in the woods like he's as lightfooted as a ballerina.

The story is OK really, but all the usual cliches and some odd plot holes are to be found without looking very hard. The Ogre can't cross a certain barrier, but I swear at the start of the movie they found him outside the barrier? The actors all do a decent job I thought though despite the material, especially John Schneider (Bo Duke). Does he ever age? Chelan Simmons is in it and she's usually smokin' hot in her roles, but she's fixed up like she's right out of 1850 and not look her usual self, so that was sort of disappointing. The only other actress anyone may recognize is Katharine Isabelle, who played Ginger in the excellent Ginger Snaps series.

Most of the scenes in the forgotten town are very derivative of M. Night Shamalyan's The Village it felt like to me too.

All-in-all... it's pretty slow and boring and just sort of a waste of time, even for a Sci-Fi Network flick. Maybe they should have had Donkey be the Ogre's sidekick, that might have saved it.

3/10

Top 10 Baseball Movies

Opening day for most major league teams is coming up, with the Nationals and the Braves playing on Sunday night to get it rolling and my Cardinals opening on Monday against the Rockies. I usually spend a bit of time reminding myself how great the game is via my favorite baseball movies. Most sports you can't even name 10 movies to do with, but for many reasons baseball has always had plenty of movies made about it throughout the years and a lot of them still hold up and I think are great today. Here's my top 10, with very little changes from the last time I made a list like this probably.

My 10 Favorite Baseball Movies

10. The Pride of the Yankees (1942)

I hate the Yankees, just let me make that clear, but they are the most legendary team in MLB history without a doubt and this movie is a classic. It's a bit sentimental and maybe overly melodramatic but when Gary Cooper gives the "luckiest man on the face of the earth" speech, you will cry unless you are a statue or something. You MUST cry. It's the law. Babe Ruth and Bill Dickey are actually in the film as well.

9. Major League (1989)

Pretty stupid and cliché with the predictable gags, it's still a really fun movie I think and some of the characters will live forever in baseball fans minds... like Willie Mays Hayes, Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn and Pedro Cerrano ("Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball."). Bob Uecker as the announcer and the diehard Indian's fans almost steal the show.

8. *61

This movie focuses on the 1961 Home Run Race between Roger Maris and Mickey Mantle, as the teammates approach Babe Ruth's sacred single season home run record. Billy Crystal directed it and it has a lot of realism and an excitement. He also deals Mantle's alcoholism and infidelities and Mark McGwire is in it. It's just a great movie.

7. The Rookie (2002)

This movie has sort of worked it's way into my heart in the last few years. It's the true story of Jim Morris, played by Dennis Quaid, who at the age of 35 realized his childhood dream of pitching in the Major Leagues after promising his high school baseball team that he coaches that he'd give it a shot. It's just a very inspirational story and great family movie from Disney. I love the quote "You know what we get to do today, Brooks? We get to play baseball."

6. The Bad News Bears (1976)

In hindsight, not only is this movie a bit over-the-top offensive and about as unpolitically correct as you'll find, but it's still really hilarious. The coach, played by Walter Matthau, is not only drunk while coaching the kids but he's got them handing him the beers. The kids themselves are foul-mouthed little hoodlums and one kid, Tanner Boyles utters the classic line "All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, spics, n'ers, pansies, and a booger-eatin' moron!" You just can't get away with stuff like that nowadays.

5. Bang the Drum Slowly (1973)

Another older flick, it's sort of the baseball version of "Brian's Song". Robert DeNiro plays the dying catcher in this really touching, heartfelt film.

4. The Sandlot (1993)

This is a movie that's probably climbed a notch on my list everytime I make a list. I've seen it countless times and just love the interaction of all the kid's playing neighborhood ball on an old lot. It's a coming of age film with baseball as it's soul. I could quote this movie for days. And how hot is Wendy Peffercorn? "You're killin' me Smalls!"

3. Bull Durham (1988)

Probably the most authentic portrayal of the game, both on and off the field. Kevin Costner is excellent as an aging player back in the minors and Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon are perfect. The director filmed Costner catching a foul pop just because he said movies never show the routine plays... and it's what makes this film so great. It feels real.

2. The Natural (1984)

A sentimental view of a an aging slugger, played by Robert Redford, and the game. It's probably the most romantisized of all the baseball movies. It's really a fable and it makes the game seem like magic. Who didn't try to make a bat out of a lightning struck tree after watching this?

1. Field of Dreams (1989)

An adaptation of W.P. Kinsella's novel "Shoeless Joe", it's a simple movie that's not so simple. Another film that treats the game like magic. Kevin Costner plays the role of a corn farmer with an obsession for baseball perfectly. He gets a message to build it (and they will come) and build it he does. I can't help but tear up every time he plays a game of catch with his Pop. This is one of my favorite films of all-time, not just favorite baseball films. "Man, I did love this game. I'd have played for food money. It was the game... The sounds, the smells."


This still doesn't cover anywhere near all of the good baseball movies, just my favorite 10. Check out great stuff that I'll call my honorable mentions... like Angels In The Outfield, Little Big League, Cobb, Eight Men Out, Fear Strikes Out, Mr. Baseball, The Scout, Everyone's Hero and For Love of the Game. There's no shortage of great baseball movies for a rainout.

Another AniBoom Short

Here's another of those AniBoom.com animations that I like so much which I thought I'd share. This one's pretty cute I think.

Movie Review: Unearthed

An unknown creature terrorizes an archeological dig in the middle of a desolate New Mexico town. A sheriff and a small group of people try to figure out how to stop it before they become the next victims.

It's a combination of Alien, Feast and The Descent... except it's nowhere near as good as any of those films. It's not near as smart as Alien, the monster just looks like it and there's 1 scenes that stolen from it. It's not as funny as Feast, in fact it has zero humor, but the set-up is similar. It's not as scary as The Descent, a lot of scenes are just shot in a similar dark fashion. Too dark actually, as half the time I couldn't tell what the hell was going on. I saw The Descent in the theater and the dark scenes really worked well there, but DVD viewings of it, while they are still good, don't pack the same punch. Maybe this suffers from some of that as I watched the home version. But bottom line, it was just too dark a lot of the time. I also had a hard time keeping up with who was supposed to be where and it just seemed to have a lot of logic holes throughout.

It's a typical monster movie, with something picking off people out of sight until they're ready for us to see what the creature looks like, it's just unfortunate that it's not a believable creature and just doesn't look real or scary at all once we finally see it.

So what's good about it? Well Emmanuelle Vaugier is in it, she of CSI:NY, and not only is she fun to look at she's actually a great actress I think and does well with what she has to work with here, which isn't much.

Anyway, cool idea of a film, although derivative, just poor execution. There's just not really a lot of blood, gore, suspense or thrills and what's left is just sort of an OK movie to pass the time, but nothing I'll remember.

4/10

Play Ball? and Why Randy Rhoads Ruled

For those of us who get excited about opening day of Major League Baseball season, it's a sad time. You see, believe it or not, the Red Sox and the A's opened the season already... this morning... at 5:00 AM central time.... in Japan. Brilliant marketing move by the deep thinkers at MLB. Anybody else have a watch party? And by watch party of course, I mean I caught 1 at-bat by Fat Papi while getting ready for work. Ridiculous. No beer or brats for me, but I did have some Captain Crunch and coffee! Now THAT'S baseball!

Not a lot of new music in stores today, but here's what you've got to pick from:

Bryan Adams ~ 11 (creative title for his 11th album don't ya think?)

The Cavalera Conspiracy ~ Inflikted (featuring brothers Max and Igor Cavalera from Sepultura and Soulfly)

That's about it. Not much more to get excited about in the DVD world either, but at least a couple of cool things so there's quality, not quantity:

Stephen King's The Mist (see my review here)

Lost Highway - A very cool and weird film from director David Lynch from 1997 with Bill Pullman, Patricia Arquette and Balthazar Getty.

So not a lot to pick from to spend your money on I guess.

When I was at the NCAA tourney games this weekend I heard something that made me want to puke. Not just 1, but 2 of the school's bands played Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train". I'm serious. I should say they tried to play it, because when Ozzy Osbourne, Randy Rhoads and Bob Daisley wrote the song I assure you they never thought it would be played by college bands with guys blowing into things. I've been cranking it since 1980 when the Blizzard of Oz album hit the shelves and my collection and it's meant to be played on screaming heavy metal guitars at an ear-splitting volume only and should be played at parties, cruising the strip or maybe to fire the crowd up. Hearing it played on wind instruments only caused my bowels to get fired up. It was a disgrace and somewhere Randy Rhoads rolled over in his grave and puked, which probably still sounded better than the bands did. R.I.P. Randy and all I can say is I'm sorry.

I never got to see Randy play live, as I did see the Diary of a Madman tour in Memphis but the plane crash had already happened (March 19th) and I saw Brad Gillis handle the ax. He did justice to the songs as he's a great guitarist, but I'm sorry I never got to see polka-dot flying V. I had a chance as the tour stopped in Pine Bluff, AR (March 5th) before his death but I waited until the Memphis show on April 28th, which proved to be too late.

Here's the way it's meant to be, from the live Tribute album. Turn this up and try not to think about tubas and trombones. It's really pretty easy to do.

Movie Review: Horton Hears A Who

Horton the elephant hears a cry for help coming from a speck of dust and even though he can't see anyone on the speck, he decides to help it. As it turns out, the speck of dust is home to the Whos and their city of Whoville. Horton agrees to help protect Whoville but this gives him nothing but torment from his neighbors, who refuse to believe that anything could survive on the speck.

Take a classic story from Dr Seuss, add the comedic voice talents of Jim Carrey, Seth Rogen, Carol Burnett and Steve Carell, combine all that with some beautiful animation and presto... you get one of the best animated films I've seen in a long time. Kids will love this (the 4 I was with did) but parents will be as equally entertained I'm guessing. Forget the other lame Hollywood attempts at Seuss material, How The Grinch Stole Christmas and The Cat In The Hat, this is the real deal.

The characters and world that Dr. Seuss created have never looked better than they do here. Jim Carrey as Horton is funny, but he doesn't try to overact as he's prone to do and is actually very likeable when restrained. They don't resort to the potty humor that is usually in these films, but it's just very sweet and good-natured. It's modernized with some current pop culture references (Horton yells the Apocalypse Now inspired catchphrase of "I love the smell of bananas in the morning" at one point) and stamped at the end with a great karaoke type scene to the tune of REO Speedwagon's "I Can't Fight This Feeling" that really sends you out the door on a high note.

And the message that this film and story have always conveyed, one of tolerance and faith, still rings as necessary today as when we were kids watching the old cartoon and reading the books. Horton stands by the motto that, "After all, a person is a person, no matter how small."

A delightfully fresh film for everyone.

9/10

Day 2 At The Tourney

Well my 2nd day at the tourney was a lot more fun than the first day, thanks to 2 pretty solid games and a rowdy crowd of mostly Memphis fans. Mississippi State brought a lot of people with them as well, but I'm guessing half the house was full of Tiger blue. It felt like a home game for them I bet.

In game 1 we got plenty of chances to boo Texas again as they led Miami by 17 points with just under 5 minutes to play but just hung on to win 75-72. The Longhorns actuall dominated most of the game but just couldn't put it away at the end. Texas made 13 of 26 from beyond the 3-point line and it seems like all 5 starters can knock it down from out there with ease. Jack McClinton, who had 38 on Friday, finished with "just" 18 for Miami. A.J. Abrams scored 26 for Texas, including 6 for 10 on 3s. He's just awesome to watch. Damion James had 16 pts and 16 rebs.

In the 2nd game, Mississippi State hung with Memphis until the final buzzer, when a desperation 3 that would have tied it missed the mark. It was a rough game with 2 solid defenses and featured a lot of blocked shots (18 to be exact) and plenty of round inside play. Memphis' Joey Dorsey ended up with the biggest game as the big man put up 13 points, snagged 12 rebounds and swatted 6 MSU shots. He was bumpin' and bangin' around the entire game. Derrick Rose and Chris Douglas-Roberts finished with 17 pts a piece. Memphis was terrible at the free throw line, 15 for 31, or they would have put MSU away a lot sooner. Jamont Gordon had a great game with 21 points and 11 rebs and Ben Hansbrough 19 points for MSU, who just kept hanging in there. I like Hansbrough's style of play as he's gritty and fearless it seems. He plows right into the land of trees. Memphis is a really exciting team to watch though as you never know when a highlight pass or dunk is going to happen.

All-in-all the first NCAA Basketball Tournament to grace central Arkansas went pretty well I thought. The crowds were huge and fairly well behaved and I don't think there were any major mishaps. I'm hoping we'll get the tourney again in a few years and I definitely be there.

Sunday Funnies

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A Day At The Tourney

I had a blast at the opening round of the NCAA Tournament in North Little Rock yesterday, despite not seeing any really good games. I caught 4 games, 8 teams, 565 points, some great individual performances and countless dunks.

In the opener Miami manhandled Saint Mary's and we got to see Jack McClinton light it up for 38 points, 32 in the 2nd half alone. I did get to use all my Catholic jokes also, which took me well into the 2nd half, spurred on by the Saint Mary's fans holding up a couple of signs that read "God is a Gael". Their mascot is a Gael in case you weren't aware, and apparently Jack McClinton is Satan on a really good day if we're to believe their sign.

The next game up was sort of fun at least, as despite Texas' manhandling of Austin Peay we got to boo everything Texas did and cheer wildly for Austin Peay thanks to Texas' coach Barnes and his inflammatory statements about Arkansas earlier in the week. Too bad Austin Peay sucked, but I must say yelling "Let's Go Peay!" never really gets old.

We got a break between sessions and took the shuttle over to the River Market only to find about 2 billion people over there also. I found a tiny spot on the end of the bar at The Flying Saucer and munched a bit of non-overpriced food and drained a beer before just walking around and people watching some. There was also a cool car show going on with some sweet hot rods that was fun.

Back to Alltel Arena for the night session and our best game of the day as Mississippi State came roaring back from 10 points down with just over 10 minutes left to win by 7 over Oregon. Charles Rhodes poured in 34 points in the days second best performance but at least Oregon gets the award for hottest dance team/cheerleaders of the day. Of note; their duck mascot thing should be paying Disney for blatantly ripping off Donald Duck as he's identical, pant less and all.

The final game of the night saw Memphis steamroll UT-Arlington with help from 9 of 20 shooting from the 3 point line. I was pretty hooped out by that point and another blowout didn't help much, but some highlight reel dunks and blocks plus the occasionally announcements of the Razorback score brought a lot of cheers.

Should be 2 decent games on tap for Sunday though, with Mississippi State taking a whack at Memphis and Texas getting it on with Miami.

Here's my All Focused Distortion Team for Day 1:

Jack McClinton (Miami) 38 pts
A.J. Abrams (Texas) 26 pts
Chris Douglas (Memphis) 23 pts 7 rebs
Charles Rhodes (Miss St) 34 pts 9 rebs
Frank Mills (St Mary's) 24 pts 5 asts
God (St Mary's) he didn't do much, but hey it's God

Here's a few pics from the day:

Memphis vs UT-Arlington tip-off

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Steve and I

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You don't wanna trip

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Memphis Pom Squad... wish I had a close-up

Friday Madness!

Focused Distortion has made it to 10,000 hits. Hold the applause please.

I just paid $3.04 per gallon of gas and was actually happy about. That's sort of a sad statement don't you think? I might pee my pants if it actually went back under $3/gallon. Seems like just yesterday it was under $2/gallon.

Hoops time! I'm heading downtown for the first round of the NCAA tourney in North Little Rock all day. Can't wait for some action! Hopefully I'll have some good pics to post tomorrow of all the festivities.

Miami vs Saint Marys @ 11:30
Texas vs Austin Peay @ 2:00
Mississippi State vs Oregon @ 6:25
Memphis vs Texas-Arlington @ 9:00

Then my favorite local band Bombay Black lights up The Village tonight also. Big day.

A couple of comedies and a horror film will try to knock Horton Hears A Who from it's perch atop the box-office charts starting today. Here's the skinny.

Drillbit Taylor

The Plot: When two freshmen are tormented by a bully during their first day of high school,they enlist the services of a solider-of-fortune (Owen Wilson), fully unaware that he is anything but skilled in the art of protection.
My Thoughts: Owen Wilson is almost always funny I think and Seth Rogen co-wrote the script for this, so it's gotta be somewhat funny right? Right?!? If that's not enough, John Hughes has writing credits also. THE John Hughes people... Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off John Hughes! He also wrote Flubber but hey you can't hit 'em all.



Shutter

The Plot: A young American couple honeymooning in Tokyo discover strange, ghostly images in the photographs they're taking. Are these images imaginary or real -- and how are they related to a tragic accident they recently witnessed?
My Thoughts: Yet another Japanese remake. It's getting hard to keep up with these things, but I do love horror and the trailer looks OK I guess. It's just a lot of deja vu it seems. Who am I kidding though, you know I'll go see it.



Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns

The Plot: A single mom takes her family to Georgia for the funeral of her father -- a man she never met. There, her clan is introduced to their relatives: the crass, fun-loving Brown family.
My Thoughts: Either you like these Tyler Perry movies or you don't. You know who you are. Personally I've never seen one so whatever.

Movie Review: Borderland

The tale of a trio of American college boys from Texas who head for a short stay in Mexico to indulge in some fast women and cheap booze after graduation. What they find is trouble in the form of a drug-smuggling gang that practices their own form of Santeria, including human sacrifices.

Another offering of the low budget horror films that was part of the After Dark Film Festival, of which I've seen a dozen or so, and I have to say this is the best one I've seen yet. It's dark, gory, cruel and falls somewhere into that dreaded "torture porn" category. It also has a lot of similarities to Turistas and the Hostel films, but damned if this thing doesn't have a pretty good soul. I'd heard it jokingly referred to as "The Mexican Hostel" even, and that's pretty much dead-on.

The pace is great, the story stays pretty focused, the actors all do a great job and I really cared about the characters. It felt very real, too real at times for those with weak stomachs I'm sure. Rider Strong (still the greatest non-porn name ever) from Boy Meets World and Sean Astin from Rudy give it some acting chops even, and I personally thought Sean's character was outstanding. I thought the dialog and actions of the characters as a whole was very realistic.

The ending plays out like any great action movie I've seen lately and brings the film to a satisfying finish.

The movie is based on the true story of ritual sacrifice killings conducted by a group of drug dealers in Mexico back in the late 80s, adding to the horror.

This movie is far from perfect, and it's not the best horror film I've seen in a while or anything, but for people who liked Hostel, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and hoped for more from Turistas, check this one out.

7/10

Movie Review: Mulberry Street

A deadly infection breaks out in Manhattan, causing humans to devolve into blood-thirsty rat creatures. Six recently evicted tenants must survive the night and protect their downtown apartment building as the city quickly spirals out of control.

OK, I know it's sort of a corny premise... people getting bitten by rats and turning into rat-like creatures or "wererats", but somehow that never really comes to the forefront in the movie. It's actually surprisingly entertaining.

Keep in mind it's an indie film without a big budget or big name actors, so don't be expecting either, but it works well really with what it's got. It does start out a bit slow and it almost lost me in the first 40 minutes or so, but then the volume gets cranked up pretty good and it's a whole lot of fun for the last half of them movie.

Maybe the whole apocalyptic/zombie/mutant thing has been done to death lately, but this isn't really as much about that as it is really just these few people in the one apartment complex. They're not all Dawson's Creek/O.C. looking people either like are normally in the big budget horror films, but seem like real people and are easy to relate to. Their life situations are convincing.

I will add I really wasn't crazy about the ending though.

But for a low budget film you really could do a lot worse than this fun flick.

6/10

Easter Bunny Top 10s

I dug up some older David Letterman Top 10s for the Easter Bunny, because I loves me some Dave and also, well... it's Easter this weekend. Duh. Some of the jokes may be dated but what the heck. You will laugh!

Top Ten Easter Bunny Pick-Up Lines

10. There's a easter parade in my pants...wanna go?
9. Ever done it on a pile of artificial grass?
8. I'll show you where easter eggs come from -- you may be surprised!
7. You're not Jewish, are you?
6. I contributed some fur to Letterman's hairpiece
5. I'm being managed by Don King again
4. I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips
3. Ever get it on with a rodent?
2. My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky
1. I'm in the mood to multiply

Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny

10. Shows up wearing the costume head and nothing else.
9. Reeks of tequila and Easter egg dye.
8. Immediately asks if he can have Easter off.
7. Refuses to hop because it aggravates his double hernia.
6. For an extra 20 bucks, parents can buy an ounce of his special "Easter grass".
5. Only gives the kids candy after they attend his presentation on the time-share condos.
4. Keeps muttering something about "infidels" and "jihad".
3. Costume is made from animal skin he scraped off the interstate.
2. Habitually licks and grooms himself.
1. The enormous ears? Steroids.

(Another) Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Easter Bunny

10. Costume is made from rabbits he hit on the interstate
9. Not really a hop -- more of a drug impaired stumble
8. Before kids get candy they have to sit through a presentation about timeshare condos
7. Keeps saying, "Jesus? No doesn't ring a bell..."
6. He's been wearing the suit since November
5. Easter basket is filled with menthol cigarettes
4. Hides five eggs and the body of a drifter
3. He's wearing a yarmulke
2. Tells you for an extra thousand bucks he won't rat you out to the New York Post
1. He disappears for hours with Whitney Houston

Top Ten Easter Bunny Pet Peeves

10. Constantly having to bail your brother, the Trix rabbit, out of the drunk tank
9. You always spend the day after Easter plucking the buckshot out of your tail
8. It's tough to get dates when you smell "eggy"
7. Make one little mistake, and they turn your feet into keychains
6. When people see you hopping around with a basket, they automatically assume you're gay
5. Ass
4. Having to work the other 364 days as a fry-cook at Denny's
3. Jewish kids and their "hilarious" firecrackers
2. News flash to all you wacky dads out there: you're not the first to come up with "Show me the bunny"
1. Two words: rat traps

Movie Review: Spiral

Mason is a reclusive telemarketer whose dysfunctional friendship with his boss is alleviated when a cute co-worker enters his life. But as he begins to sketch his new friend's portrait, disturbing feelings from his past threaten to lead him down a path of destruction.

A pretty intense movie that I sort of stumbled across because the director/writer is Adam Green, who recently also did Hatchet, which I love. It's nothing at all like that horror film though, but more of a drama/thriller.

The main character, who is played excellently by Joel Moore (who also co-wrote and directed), is delusional and trying to overcome some serious demons. He's an outcast and oddball who really has only 1 friend, his boss, until a new girl enters his life. Things go great for a bit, then start to unravel and the film does a nice job of pulling the viewer in, while casting a sense of dread over things. You feel like something bad is about to happen the entire time. Even the location itself is always dark and rainy it seems. There are also a couple of nice twists in the plot.

Amber Tamblyn plays his love interest, and if there was anything I didn't really like about the movie is that I find it hard to believe someone as adorable as her would really find him attractive, not just in the looks department as much as he's just so odd there's no way he couldn't cause her to have some red flags about getting to know him. This bothered me a bit as his character is just a bit too over-the-top, and most people I know in "the real world" would be keeping some distance from the guy. Toning his character down a bit, or getting some Hollywood hunk to play it, or getting somebody in the female role not as hot as Amber would have helped the film.

I thought the acting, pace and overall feel of the movie were all excellent, dare I say very "Hitchcockian". I do recommend it for a little indie change of pace.

7/10

Movie Review: Doomsday

A deadly plague has broken out, killing hundreds of thousands in its wake. In desperation, the British Government evacuates as many survivors as it can out of the infected area, and then builds a wall, preventing the remainder from escaping. Thirty years later the virus breaks out again. The Government decides to send a crack team of operatives into the hot zone to investigate the possibility of a cure.

My prediction going in was that this movie would fall somewhere between the Mad Max films and the Resident Evil movies with a touch of 28 Days Later, and that is pretty much exactly what it is. It's more of an sci-fi action flick than a horror film like director Neil Marshall's other films, The Descent and Dog Soldiers, but it's got a lot of blood splattering and violence none the less. It's pretty nasty at times and has a bit of a mean streak in parts.

The plot is sort of thin and the movie falls into silly more than a few times but at least it never really gets boring. One action sequence after another kept me on my heels and the big highway chase scene at the end, which goes on for 15 minutes, is just crazy fun and brings to mind the classic highway action scenes in The Road Warrior. Rhona Mitra is sexy hot in the lead role and I would pay big money to see a pillow fight between her and Mila Jovovich from Resident Evil.

But ultimately, it's just really sort of echoes so many other post-apocalyptic movies that it just seems a bit forgettable by the end. I enjoyed the amped up violence and action scenes personally, but if that's not your thing I assure you this movie isn't for you. Saying it's not the most intelligent of films would be an understatement.

6/10

Sunday Funnies

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Movie Review: Wrestlemaniac

On their way to a shoot, the cast and crew of a low-budget film get lost in Mexico and come upon a ghost town with a creepy legend about an insane Mexican wrestler exiled there. The director likes the town's gritty appearance and decides it would be the perfect setting for his film... until "El Mascarado" (The Masked Man) begins a game of his own.

It doesn't take long to know exactly what you're getting here. Stop me if you've heard this... a group of young adults are in a van, which breaks down in a deserted town in the middle of nowhere, then they begin to split up, then begin to die. It's not a real original horror film, but what it is really is sort of fun. It's just a good old school slasher B-movie with a lot of gore and a masked killer. Sure, he's got a wrestling mask and gear on but that's where any originality stops.

It reminded me a lot of a cross between The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Hatchet. It's got that same dark humor, tongue-in-cheek sort of feel as Hatchet for sure. It's also got a couple of hot women (including the smokin' hot Leyla Razzari), who find reasons to "accidentally" get their tops soaked or get their shorts torn off so they can run around scantily clad, which is kind of fun.

The killer is Rey Misterio Sr. and he doesn't say much, but does a pretty good job of lumbering around picking people off.

This movie is only for wrestling fans or slasher film fans, and it just so happens I'm both. If you're looking for cerebral horror, good acting, big special effects, or people who behave rationally you'll want to look elsewhere.

5/10

Old Mill Photos

I promised more photos from now on so I dug out these pics of the Old Mill in North Little Rock that I took a couple of years ago. It's a beautiful place that'll maybe hold you over until I get out and start taking some new ones. Click on the pics for bigger views.

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Arkansas Inksplosion 2008

A couple of people asked me what the heck Inksplosion (that I mentioned yesterday) was, so I found this:



No, I don't have any tats... won't after the show either, I just have fun in the atmosphere.

Movie Quickies

With all the cruddy weather we've had here lately, I've spent quite a bit of time couped up indoors reading and catching up on some TiVo. A few I highly recommend, a couple to avoid. Here's some thoughts and quick reviews on some of the movies I've caught in the last couple of weeks:


The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)

It's hard to believe it's been 3 years since this was in theaters, but I still love it. Steve Carell is awesome and the whole supporting cast of characters is what keeps me laughing. I considered this part 1 of the holy raunchier humor revival, along with Knocked Up and Superbad. 8/10

Mystery Date (1991)

One of Ethan Hawke's early films where he plays a teenage boy would like to meet with a very pretty, blonde girl who lives in the next door. His brother sets up a date for them and it becomes a very eventful evening. It's a decent old comedy that's worth a watch for sure. It's also one of Teri Polo's early roles and she's a doll. 5/10

Candy Stripers (2006)

An alien body snatching movie of sorts, with the catch being that the super hot candy striped nurses at a certain small town hospital are doing bad deeds. Oh my is this movie awful. The acting is atrocious and the plot is moronic. Unintentionally funny at every turn. It does have several really hot actresses and there is nudity, so that's a plus. 2/10

Thumbsucker (2005)

A very quirky, funny, odd little film about a teenage boy who's feeling a little different, and also he happens to still suck his thumb. It's a pretty cute film really dealing with a heavy subject, the drugging of today's youth with prescription pills. Definitely worth a watch. 6/10

Deliver Us from Evil (2006)

A documentary that exposes the deep corruption of the Catholic Church and the troubled mind of the man they sheltered, Father Oliver O'Grady. He's a dangerously active pedophile that Church hierarchy, aware of his predilection, harbored for over 30 years, allowing him to abuse countless children. This is one of the best documentaries I've seen in years and is absolutely a must-see film. 9/10

Open Water 2: Adrift (2006)

Apparently based on a true story, a group forgets to put the ladder down on their yacht and the freeboard makes it impossible to climb to the main deck. With a baby alone in the boat and stranded in the open sea, they panic and their desperation lead them to a tragic fight for survival. I found it interesting, but ultimately pretty boring really.
5/10

The Unreal Story of Professonal Wrestling (1999)

A documentary made back when pro rasslin' was enjoying it's huge resurgence, it's actually very enlightening and well done. Steve Allen hosts and a lot of current and former rasslin' stars like Hulk Hogan and Stone Cold Steven Austin add interviews. Fun stuff for rasslin' fans. 7/10

Movie Review: 10,000 B.C.

A prehistoric epic that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe after members of it are kidnapped into slavery.

A big case of style over substance sums up the movie most perfectly, as the story is very simplistic and cliched, but the special effects keep your mind from thinking too deeply. It's almost like they had some really great ideas for CGI shots and wrapped a story around them real quickly.

That's not to say it's not fairly entertaining for 90 minutes as there are a lot of cool scenes and battles, it's just not going to be too memorable in a few weeks. The mastodons look awesome and some of the scenery has a wow factor, but the narrative feels sort of corny and there have been so many epic type films where "the chosen one" or whoever leads his people to their foretold blah blah blah...

Anyway, it's big dumb fun for the eyes but not a lot for the mind.

6/10