LuLu = DoDo

I must reiterate here... I love Metallica. They're one of my favorite all-time bands. But now that I've heard their new collaboration with Lou Reed, LuLu, all the way through a few times I'm just blown away by how much wang this thing smokes. It's terrible. Almost laughably terrible. I am however having a lot of fun reading all the reviews on the interwebs. Lots of fun!

MetaCritic has it at a 37/100 from critics right now, which if you don't know is simply dreadful. Here's some of my favorite quotes, and keep in mind these are your usual Internet trolls and chuckleheads, these are critics from places like A.V. Club and Chicago Tribune. Check 'em out:

* The whole thing comes off as either an expensive major label joke or nigh-impenetrable high art concept. Maybe both.

* Lulu is essentially a piece of shock art that's littered with vulgarity both lyrical and musical.

* Any message contained within Lulu is lost in the whirl of discordant guitar work, Reed's mutterings and the complete sense of abject disappointment that surrounds the entire album.

* An utter wreck that curiously, miraculously, might have been great.

* LuLu is a work that invites derision, an album that wallows in a tarpit of ugliness.

* The bulk of Lulu sounds like your dad's drunk friend reciting his self-penned erotica over a melting ReLoad cassette.

* It turns out that "Brandenburg Gate" is one of the only songs with an actual melody. The rest of Lulu is full of recycled, repetitive riffs; endless drones; more sex and violence than a slasher movie.

* Lulu is a joyless mess, a grim, humorless record with no notion of when to say "when."

* The godfather of avant-rock and the popular metal band don't click on any level.

* Audacious to the extreme, but exhaustingly tedious as a result, its few interesting ideas are stretched out beyond the point of utility and pounded into submission.

* At no point does Lou Reed sound like he is singing with Metallica, and the same is true the other way around.

* Not only is Lulu the worst thing any of the players have been involved in, it's quite possibly a candidate for one of the worst albums ever made.

Ha ha now that's fun! The user scores aren't any better, giving it an average of 1.8 at this point (out of 10 believe it or not). It's getting pounded. Here's some favorites:

* Lou Reed's nasally delivery just doesn't fit, it comes off as some uninspired old fart recording his voice in the living room while a metal riff plays in the background.

* I am all for trying new things and pushing the boundaries but sometimes you have to know when to pull back and review your art objectively.....this i'm afraid is just an exercise in self indulge

* This is just an embarrassment made by two creatively bankrupt artists. Please stop your Metallica hero worship and hear this album for what it is: Crap.

* I understand wanting to do something different musically. But the band also needs to understand that sometimes doing something different means that it can still suck. And suck this album does.

Fun stuff!

Please Metallica... I'm begging you... get into the studio as soon as possible and make a new CD so we can put this whole ugly mess behind us. Stop saying we "don't get it" and quite trying to justify it as being "outside the box". I do get it and I've been outside the box before... and it still sucks monkey crotch. Simply terrible. You missed, it happens.